Where The Heart Is
by sagdig71
Summary: Spock tries to make his first Christmas with Jim a special one. When memories from his past come up unexpectedly, Spock helps Jim to realize just how much he is loved. McCoy and Uhura also make an appearance. Updated Summary and my first ever Star Trek fanfiction story. Thanks to all who take the time to read and review. Rated T for language just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Spock took a deep breath and surveyed his work. Candles were lit throughout the darkened room, and there was soft music in the background. He had spent a large number of credits on the wine that was chilling on the corner table, but it was the best accompaniment to the strawberries that sat nearby. Lastly, there was a perfectly wrapped gift on the bed. The light caught the design in the silver paper making it seem to glow.

With a last glance at his preparations, the Vulcan allowed himself a feeling of satisfaction before he turned on his heel to head to the rec room where the ship's holiday party was well underway. He knew Jim would be surprised to see him, especially since Spock had begged off, claiming that he had some experiments that needed completion.

Just as the doors of his quarters slid open, the comm unit on the table beeped, signaling an incoming call.

Spock forced a breath out of his nose, and pushed down the feeling of irritation that welled up in his chest.

He turned and strode quickly to the comm, his eyebrows rising in surprise when he saw the identity of the caller. He quickly commanded the computer to adjust the lighting in the room before answering the call.

"Good evening Father."

The image of Ambassador Sarek's face appeared on screen, and Spock noted that his father looked even older than he had the last time they had spoken.

"Hello my Son. I hope I have not disturbed you. I realize the hour is late."

"Not at all. I am always pleased to hear from you."

Since the destruction of his home planet 18 months prior, Spock and his father had been in frequent contact. At present they spoke on at least a weekly basis.

"I wanted to speak with you before your shore leave begins tomorrow."

Spock nodded. "We will be off duty, but Jim and I have no plans to leave the ship at present."

"None?"

Spock shook his head. "Jim has decided not to visit his mother in Iowa. He feels it would be more relaxing to remain here, and I do not disagree."

"I see. I am hoping that you and James will be able to make a visit to New Vulcan in the near future. Perhaps in April for your mother's birthday?"

Spock did not smile, but his eyes softened as he looked at his father. Even after almost two years, Sarek still battled loneliness. Admitting to these feeling went against his Vulcan nature, but that did not make them any less painful.

After almost losing Jim himself, and now being able to express his love to the man who was his T'hy'la, Spock had a new understanding of what his father must be going through.

"I am sorry that I cannot be with you at this time Father."

Sarek shook his head and made a dismissive motion with his hand. "It was always your mother who made something of this holiday, as you know."

"Yes, and it is at this time that I feel her absence most keenly."

Sarek gazed at his son through the screen but his damp eyes had a faraway look.

"I find myself recalling her insistence that we have some sort of Christmas Tree each year when you were young. I thought the idea very frivolous at the time, especially given that we lived on a desert plant, but..."

"It was something that made her very happy."

"Yes." Sarek took a deep breath, as if to steady himself.

"And what of you and James? How will you be keeping the day this year?"

"Quietly, which I prefer. Although Jim did organize a holiday party for the crew. I'm sure he is over indulging as we speak."

Sarek sat up a bit straighter. "Why did you not say something Spock? I should not have kept you, you should be there as well."

Spock tilted his head, surprised at his father's insistent tone. The man had seemed very...emotional...lately, for lack of a better word.

Sarek sighed when his son did not reply.

"Forgive me Spock, I am very glad we were able to speak this evening, but I do not want you to miss an opportunity to spend time with James, and your shipmates."

"Thank you Father, but I'm sure the party will continue several more hours. I have adequate time to partake in the festivities."

Sarek glanced down momentarily, and the corners of his mouth tilted up slightly in the ghost of a smile.

"Time my son, is something that passes very quickly. When it comes to those that we cherish, you may find that there is never enough of it."

Leaning back in the chair with a contented sigh, Jim looked around the rec room from his vantage point in the corner.

For a party that had been thrown together at the last minute, it had come together really well. The decorations were festive, but not cheesy, and the h'or doevers he'd chosen (with Uhura's help) were really pretty good. He gave himself extra props for the Hanukkah display in the opposite corner, complete with kosher foods for Pavel. Scotty and Bones were enjoying the hot cider, which was certainly spiked by now. All in all, a very nice way to start the holiday season before the crew went planetside for a month of shore leave.

"Hey Captain." Sulu greeted him with a smile, as he entered the room.

"Hey Sulu. How's things on the bride?"

"Boring. I heard the food was pretty good, is there anything left?"

Jim was about to answer when someone else spoke up for him.

"Hikaru, vhere have you been?" Pavel questioned his other half with a slightly exasperated tone.

"I told you I'd be here as soon I ended my shift."

"Come see ze _sufganiyot_. You have to have some." Pavel took hold of his hand and Sulu waived to the captain as he was pulled away. Jim chuckled, a feeling of fondness for the younger couple washing over him.

"You gonna join the party, or just sit here daydreaming all night?"

Jim smiled at his CMO's gruff tone. He could even make having a good time sound like it was a pain in the ass.

"I'm relaxing. Isn't that what you're always after me to do? Slow down, calm down...now I'm doing it and your still pissed at me."

Leonard sat down in the chair opposite his best friend and managed to grin. "No I'm not Jim. You did all of this for the crew. I just want you to enjoy it."

" I am." Jim sat up and put his elbows on the table. "It's just...been a long time since I spent the holidays like this."

"Me too." McCoy admitted.

"It's feels...wrong." Jim screwed up his face, realizing how that sounded.

"So many years I just ignored Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now I'm spending them around people that actually matter to me, and I don't know what to do with myself."

Jim glanced up at Bones, waiting for the older man to impart some words of wisdom hidden in a mixed metaphor, but his friend wasn't even looking at him. Kirk followed his gaze to the doors of the rec room, just opening to reveal another party guest.

The newcomer's eyes landed on their table in that same instant.

"Hey!" she smiled at McCoy and Jim watched as his best friend blushed.

"Hey yourself." he replied.

It wasn't until she was standing with a hand on McCoy's shoulder that Uhura noticed her Captain.

"Hi Jim. Looks like we got a great turn out, huh?" She smiled down at McCoy again, who hadn't taken his eyes off of her since she walked in the room. Jim suddenly wondered if Bones had always had a thing for his communications officer, or if this had only developed after she and Spock broke up.

"Couldn't have done it without you Uhura. Everything turned out great."

"So, Doctor McCoy." Nyota winked at the man whose hand rested possessively at her waist. "Can I buy you a drink?"

Bones stood up and took her hand in his. "I'd love one." The pair started to walk away, when he turned around and smiled at Jim.

"Come on kid, I think you need one too."

For the next 45 minutes, Jim ate, drank and laughed. He even sang a carol or two with Nyota, who was shocked to hear that her commanding officer had an amazingly good singing voice.

Finally at 2200 hours he made his rounds to say good night, telling everyone to stay and enjoy the party and wishing them all a happy and safe holiday.

"Leaving so soon Jim?" McCoy left Nyota's side as she chatted with Nurse Chapel, to follow after the captain.

"Yeah, I'm beat. Figured I'd catch up on some shuteye since I don't have any plans tomorrow."

"So you're not making a trip to Riverside?"

"She hasn't called me in almost 4 months, Bones. I'm not going to make nice now just so I can have somewhere to go for holidays. Besides, it's not like that town puts me in the Christmas mood."

"Sorry kid."

"Give Joanna a kiss for me when you guys get there tomorrow."

"We will."

"You packed that present I got for her, right?"

Leonard nodded. "Ny has it all ready to go."

He was excited about taking Nyota to Georgia to meet his daughter, but he had to admit, he was nervous too. Things had gone so well over the last few months for them, he didn't want anything to change that.

"Don't worry, " Jim said, as though he was reading his mind. "It'll be fine."

Leonard smiled, and patted his friend on the back.

"You'll be fine too Jim. It'll be good for you and Spock to have some time to yourselves."

As if on queue, the doors to the rec room opened, and Spock walked in. Jim glanced up in surprise. The Vulcan almost appeared rushed, his bangs slightly disheveled in his haste.

"Hey," Jim's eyes lit up at the sight of his first officer. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed him tonight until now.

"My apologies Jim. I had hoped to be here sooner but..."

"It's alright, Jim assured him. "You said you had some projects to finish so I wasn't expecting you."

Jim took a step closer to Spock, and McCoy didn't miss the soft look in the Vulcan's eyes. He was getting pretty good at reading the hobgoblin if he did say so himself.

"Well," the CMO cleared his throat. "Now that you don't need a babysitter I'll get back to my date." He winked at the pair and went off to fetch another beverage.

"You want to stay and have something..."

Spock shook his head, "Actually, I was hoping you would accompany me back to our quarters. There are some things I wish to discuss with you."

"Alright." Jim sighed, wondering if Spock was going to be as preoccupied with ships business as he had been the last couple weeks.

Between working some opposite shifts to fill in for crewman that had left early for their shore leave, and his mounting duties as Science Officer, it seemed that Spock was even busier than he, and Jim was the captain!

When they exited the rec room and he felt Spock's hand against the small of his back, Jim felt a glimmer of hope that maybe they would be talking about something other than the Enterprise.

_sufganiyot - a Jewish dessert served at Hanakkah - a sort of jelly doughnut._

**A/N - **First Chapter of my first ever Star Trek fanfic. This one will be short, with 1 or 2 more installments to come. Hope everyone enjoys this bit of Holiday fluff!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Below is part 2 of my little story. Love Kirk and Spock, and I'm enjoying my first foray into Star Trek fanfic. Hope you enjoy it as well, and if you do, please review. I'd love to hear what you think!**

**Chapter 2**

Jim entered the code to the quarters that they shared and Spock stepped back, allowing the younger man to enter first. It took a couple of steps before anything really registered for Kirk, then he stopped, his mouth open in shock.

He took in the candles and the sound of the music and did a slow 180 to face Spock. He closed his mouth and then opened it again.

"Um..." Nothing else came out.

The Vulcan noticed the way Jim's beautiful eyes sparkle in the candlelight, and made a mental note to purchase more candles as soon as possible.

Jim turned around again, and noticed the wine in the corner. He walked over and let his fingers brush against the chilled bottle, as if making sure it was real.

"I thought you had to work in the lab tonight."

"I did for a short time." Spock acquiesced. He watched as Jim caught sight of the gift on the bed. The Vulcan stepped forward suddenly and picked it up, turning to the man that he loved.

"Merry Christmas Jim."

Jim stood frozen to the spot, seemingly hypnotized by Spock's dark eyes as they glowed in the candlelight.

As his gaze moved to the gift that Spock offered him, his eyes widened in shock. There was a small Christmas tree right next to the nightstand beside their bed.

Jim's eyes instantly filled with tears. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but let out a strangled sob instead.

Spock reached for him, a hand on his arm. "Jim..."

The Vulcan's tone belied his concern. This reaction is not at all what he had expected.

Kirk shook his head almost violently taking a step closer to the Christmas tree. There was even a gold star on the top.

"Jim I did not mean to upset you, I thought..."

The blonde man shook his head again, doing nothing to stop the tears that ran down his cheeks.

"N..no...I'm not...you di..." he hicupped, and wiped at his cheeks, before turning back to Spock.

"You...you did all this...for me?" The incredulity in his voice made Spock's chest hurt. It was as though he did not think himself worthy of any consideration at all.

Spock tilted his head to the side in the way that only he could, his brows knitted in confusion.

"Of course Jim. I thought it would make you happy."

It seemed Spock was watching his lover in slow motion. He saw the change in Jim's expression as his words registered in his captain's mind. His beautiful blue eyes filled with emotion, and fresh tears. He seemed to slowly crumple, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs.

Spock reached out and pulled him close, bearing Jim's weight against his chest. He felt Jim wrap his arms around his waist and pull him even closer.

"Please do not cry."

Spock whispered the words into Jim's hair, placing a soft kiss on top of his head. Jim still held on to him for dear life.

"I'm sorry." Jim hiccuped again, drawing a shaky breath.

Spock stepped back, his hands on Jim's shoulders, and and tried to look him in the eye. Jim would not meet his gaze.

"If you do not like the tree..."

"N...no...I love it." Jim's voice caught on the last word, as he stole another glance at the decorated tree.

Spock looked at him in confusion. He had never understood the human tendency to cry with happiness. At least he hoped these were happy tears.

"It's uh...I never..." Jim cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed to talk about his laughingly dysfunctional childhood.

"Jim?" Spock could feel Jim close off from him, and feared that he had somehow caused his bondmate pain in his attempt to celebrate this holiday.

"I've never had one before."

Jim's voice was so quiet that if not for his keen Vulcan hearing, Spock would not have heard it. To say that he was shocked by the statement would have been quite an understatement.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Chapter 3 did not turn out quite as I expected, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless. Although I'm hinting at the fact that Spock and Jim are bonded mentally, I'm not getting into the telepathic aspect of their relationship. Didn't want to bite off more than I could chew for my first attempt at Spirk...**

**Thanks to all who are reading, following, and reviewing. It is greatly appreciated.**

**Let me know what you think...**

Jim finally glanced at Spock, and then quickly turned away, but the Vulcan had already seen it.

Jim was ashamed.

Spock felt a sharp surge of anger toward whatever person, or circumstance had caused his T'hy'la to feel this way. He was also unable to fathom the workings of a universe, where he, _a child of Vulcan_, had grown up with such a basic tradition of Yuletide, and yet Jim Kirk, who came from a background of Judeo-Christian beliefs, had not.

"I've seen a picture of my older brother and me, standing next to a tree one year, but I don't remember it. That was the Christmas before my mom remarried."

Jim's tone was flat as he ran a hand over the foiled paper that wrapped his gift.

"I take it your step-father did not celebrate this holiday."

Spock chided himself inwardly as he spoke. Clearly he had stated the obvious, but at the moment, the need to say something, _anything_ was overwhelming.

"He's not really a festive guy. My mom was off-planet most of the time anyway. Made life a lot easier to just give in and do things his way."

Jim's thoughts were obviously far away as he carefully laid the package back on their bed. He hesitated a moment and looked over a Spock, now with that defiant glint that the First Officer had come to know very well.

"Of course...you know how much I love to test boundaries."

Spock realized immediately that they were no longer simply talking about Christmas trees.

They had only ever spoken in generalities about the captain's childhood. Even after their bonding ceremony a few months ago, Jim kept much of that part of himself shielded from Spock.

The Vulcan wished fervently that Jim would open up and show him even the darkest parts of himself, but trust was a very fragile thing. He hoped that Jim would come to him with these things when he was ready to do so.

"I know that he hurt you Jim."

The younger man looked at Spock, with a pained expression on his face, his emotions just barely under control.

"Yeah."

The moment stretched out between them, and then Jim let out a breath, seeming to deflate just a bit. Spock thought he looked very tired.

"If you ever need..." Spock's statement was interupted by the buzzing of the comm.

"Saved by the bell." Kirk winked at his lover, his familiar method of deflecting attention with humor firmly in place.

Spock glanced at the comm, and was surprised for the second time that evening.

Jim saw the shock flicker across the Vulcan's face and suddenly felt a pit in his stomach.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"It is your mother, Jim."

Kirk's mouth dropped open, and before he could even move, Spock pressed a button on the device.

"This is Commander Spock."

Wynona Kirk blinked at the Vulcan for a moment. "May I speak with my son please?"

Spock's face was an emotionless mask as he stared back at the blonde woman on the screen.

Vulcans did not hate. Hate was an emotion. S'chn T'gai Spock however, was half-human, and he could say with complete honesty, that at this moment, he hated Wynona Kirk.

"Just a moment please. I will see if he is available." Wynona's annoyed sigh was cut short when Spock pushed the hold button on the comm.

Jim closed his eyes and let out another breath, trying to pull himself together. He felt himself reaching emotional overload, and that was not a good place to be when you were Jim Kirk.

"I can tell her that you are not here, Jim."

Kirk smiled sadly at tall dark-haired man that he loved so much. "Vulcan's cannot lie, Spock."

"Walk out the door, and I will be telling the truth."

Jim let out a small laugh, feeling a heaviness in his chest. "It's alright. I'll talk to her."

Spock dropped his head in acceptance. "Very well. I will give you some privacy."

He rounded the table, and as he passed by, allowed his fingers to brush against Jim's hand. Jim reached out and grabbed Spock's long fingers, squeezing tightly.

After only a moment, he let go, and did not turn around as the door to their quarters hissed open, and then closed.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Before I say anything else, I need to say that I do not own Star Trek, or any of these characters. I do love them though!**

**So this chapter took a rather serious turn...I just went with it. Hope it turned out alright. Read, enjoy, and please review if you have time. Your feedback is really appreciated!**

Kirk made his way over to the comm station and sat down. He took a breath and let it out, reminding himself that he had faced Nero, Klingons, and Khan, and lived to tell about it.

"It's just a phone call, no big deal." he reminded himself as he pressed the button.

"Hi Mom."

Wynona was reading something and glanced up as soon as she heard Jim's voice.

"Jim," she smiled. "I was beginning to wonder if you were going to answer at all."

"Here I am."

Jim opened his arms wide and smiled back. That dazzling smile that he used to charm any and all who crossed his path. The 'fake it til you make it' grin that gave him time to work out his next move.

"Does he answer your calls often?" Wynona wrinkled her nose, and put a slight emphasis on the word 'he'.

"He who? Spock?"

His mother simply looked at him.

"We share the same quarters Mom." Jim shrugged.

"Hmm."

"What?"

Jim tapped his foot under the table, and heard the note of annoyance that had crept into his voice. If nothing else this just proved that not going home for Christmas was a good idea.

When his mother didn't immediately answer, Jim continued. "We're legally married, Mom. It's all above-board. Everyone knows about it."

"He's your First Officer Jim. That goes against..."

"We are also the best command team in the Federation. Save a planet or two and people tend to let regulations slide."

"I understand that Jim. I'm just surprised that Starfleet doesn't have a problem with..."

"Do _you_ have a problem with it?" Jim leaned forward slightly, pinning his mother with his gaze through the screen.

"Me?" Wynona sounded affronted by the question.

"You haven't called me once since I told you we were bonded. No card, no wedding gift..."

"Jim, you know my new position has been keeping my very busy."

"Just like always, huh?"

Wynona ignored that remark. She did know her son well enough to know when he was trying to goad her into an argument.

"Actually, I called to find out what your plans are for the holidays. Do you have any time off coming up?"

Jim was silent for a moment, thinking. To lie or not to lie...

Unlike his mate, Jim was not Vulcan, and he had no problem at all with untruths, especially in this situation. But, for whatever reason, he decided to go with honesty.

"Actually, I have about a month of shore leave starting tomorrow." He watched the surprised look spread across her face.

"Tomorrow? Are you at Starbase 1?"

"Yep."

"Oh Jimmy that's wonderful! It will be so lovely to see you..."

"I'm not coming home Mom. Not this time. Spock and I are just going to stay here and relax."

"Not coming home? That's ridiculous...Christmas is next week."

"I know. We'll be fine. I just want to take some time and decompress."

Wynona looked at her son with a mixture of disbelief and disappointment, and Jim found himself surprised.

Had she really thought he was going to come home for Christmas? Did she really want him to? Jim pushed that thought aside as he looked at her, his foot still tapping nervously on the floor.

"Jimmy, you can't spend Christmas alone."

Jim glanced down at his hand that was fiddling with a stylus on the table, as conflicting emotions flowed through him. For some reason, hearing her call him Jimmy, like he was still six years old, was equivalent to hearing fingernails down an old-fashioned chalk board.

"I'm not alone. I'll be spending the holiday with Spock."

Wynona laughed derisively. "Christmas with a Vulcan? That's got to be about as festive as..."

"About as festive as spending it with Frank?" Jim glared at her, as the tenuous control he had on himself started to slip.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't remember Frank being big on the holidays. Have things changed?"

Wynona saw the fire in her younger son's eyes and sat up straight.

"I didn't call to fight with you. We haven't spoken in weeks and I thought..."

"Do you really want me to come home Mom?"

"Of course I do. I want us to spend some time together."

"I can throw some stuff in a duffle bag and be there day after tomorrow." Jim watched her expression carefully.

"Really?" Wynona smiled once more.

"Sure," Jim shrugged casually. "We'll stay a couple of days and then head back to the ship."

"We?" Wynona's brow knitted in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Me and Spock. He's been asking about where I grew up..."

Now it was Wynona's turn to fidget nervously. "Jim, I don't know it would be a good idea to bring..."

Jim waited, and his mother glanced up at the screen, not finishing her sentence.

"My husband? My spouse? My significant other...bondmate..."

"That's enough Jimmy. You've made you point." Wynona's blue eyes were icy now.

"You could also just go with his name. Spock." Jim stared back at her defiantly.

"If it were just me, there would not be a problem, but I don't think it would be a good idea considering the circumstances."

"You mean the fact that you're married to a xenophobic _asshole_?"

"I was going to ask how you're doing, but clearly you're not doing well, considering how antagonistic you're being."

"Wow. You are really are amazing." Jim shook his head in disbelief. No matter what the situation, somehow, it was always his fault. Always.

"This is why I don't call you Jim. Every time I try to talk to you you're belligerent, antagonistic...just plain nasty." Wynona shook her head. "I just don't understand it."

Jim looked at her, and found that he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming. How could a woman that was obviously intelligent be so fucking _stupid_?

"Is that why you didn't come see me in the hospital?" Jim asked, his voice coming out much quieter than he had intended.

"I did come see you." Wynona countered.

"I was in the hospital at Berkley for** 3 months** Mom. Three months and you came to see me once."

Jim felt the tears burn behind his eyes and blinked furiously. What the hell was wrong with him? He was not going to start crying again.

"Jimmy I had..."

"God, will you _please_ stop calling me that! I'm not a little boy anymore!"

Wynona jumped slightly when he barked at her, surprised at the anger in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

The older woman took a deep breath and spoke again "No matter how old you are Jim, you're still my son. Until you have children of your own, you won't understand what it's like to see your child like that. To know that they're hurt and that there's nothing you can do for them."

Jim saw her hand reach forward, as if, had he been across the table from her, she would have taken his hand.

"Is that why you stayed away? Because it was so hard to come back to us and see how much we needed you?" Jim felt a tear escape and wiped at it furiously.

"Jim. I had a job. After we lost your father, I had to do the best I could to keep our family together. I know I should have been there more, but you don't understand what it was like."

Jim watched as his mother's face changed, and he could see the anger and hurt that she had lived with for a very long time. For many years, he'd tried to do,or be, or say, whatever he thought she needed to take that pain away.

Of course, nothing he did was ever enough, so eventually he stopped trying, and started acting out instead. Being a juvenile delinquent got him a lot more attention, even if it did nothing to lessen the pain that _he_ was dealing with.

These days, he had plenty to keep him busy, so he didn't have to think about those things. His presence here actually mattered. It made a difference. These people thought he was good enough. Eventually, he'd started to believe it too.

After a moment, he realized that his mother had asked him a question, but the actual words had not registered. She stared at him, with a look of concern.

Jim realized he was gripping the table so hard that his hand ached. He had to get out of here. Right now.

"I have to go."

"Jim, wait a minute.."

"No, I have to go now." He pressed the botton in front of him to end the transmission, and got up so quickly from the table that the chair fell over behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This one starts with a bit of Bones and Nyota. I really like them as a couple. Spock is struggling. :(. Hope you all this chapter. Please Read and review!**

**PS - Still don't own Star Trek**

"I figured day after tomorrow we can get some groceries, and air the house out a little before we pick up Joanna. We need to get a tree...she's gonna love helping with that."

Leonard smiled as he sat next to Nyota, watching the party wind down. His eyes positively twinkled with excitement thinking of his little girl, and Nyota smiled to herself, feeling her heart about to burst. They say love comes along when you least expect it. She'd never believed that until now.

"You still with me Darlin'?"

Nyota turned to him and blinked. "Sure. You were saying we'd have to go shopping before we pick up Joanna."

"Uh huh." Leonard nodded, wondering what had happened to deflate her happy mood.

"You're not gettin' cold feet are you?"

Nyota's well-manicured brows knitted in confusion. "Cold feet about what?"

"Spending a month on land with a crabby old country doctor."

Nyota's mouth twitched for a moment before she looked at him seriously.

"You must have me confused with someone else Dr. McCoy. I'm spending my month with an amazing, really hot doctor, who..."

McCoy began to laugh at her description, and Nyota held up her hand to silence him.

"...who can sometimes be a bit brooding."

"Brooding? That's what you're calling it?" he grinned.

"Did I mention he was hot, and really wonderful to be around, once you get past the moody thing?"

McCoy smiled and pulled her forward for a kiss. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

Nyota let him pull her close and nuzzle her neck. "What if she doesn't like me?" she asked quietly.

"Hmm?" Len leaned back to look at her.

"Joanna. What if..."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Is that what you're worried about? Nyota, she's gonna love you. Trust me."

"I hope so."

"I know so." McCoy leaned in close and kissed her nose.

Loving this woman was turning him into a complete marshmallow, but he just couldn't help himself.

"What do you say we blow this popsicle stand and get to bed. Tomorrow's gonna be here awful early."

Nyota allowed the doctor to pull out her chair and she took his arm. "It's not that late." she commented with a sidelong glance.

"Well then, let's get out of here and see how much trouble we can get into..."

Leonard leaned down to for another kiss and as the pair walked through the door of the rec room, they ran into Spock. Literally.

"Watch where you're..oh, sorry Spock." McCoy stepped back from the Vulcan, slightly embarrassed.

"My apologies Doctor. I was distracted."

Nyota eyed her friend and could tell something was amiss. "You Ok?"

The Vulcan sighed, as if admitting defeat. "I must admit, I am not. May I speak with you for a moment?"

Leonard looked from his girlfriend to the First Officer, and realized his plans for fun the rest of the night had just gone down the tubes.

"I'll wait up for you." he told Nyota. "I need to finish packing anyway."

"Actually Doctor McCoy, I would like to speak to both of you. This matter pertains to Jim."

"What happened?" McCoy's tone turned serious at the mention of his best friend.

"I fear I have made a grave error." Spock stated.

McCoy blinked at him, as if he's spoken in Vulcan rather than standard. After a moment or two, the words seemed to sink in.

"You...made a_ mistake_?"

Spock nodded in silence.

McCoy clapped his hands together, a little too gleefully. "Sounds like Christmas has come early for me."

He motioned toward the doorway that was now closed, as Nyota rolled her eyes.

"Lead the way Commander!"

"You got him a Christmas tree too?" McCoy repeated. "Wow. That's really...sweet Spock." There was no other word to describe it.

The Vulcan nodded. "I had hoped he would be pleasantly surprised."

"I take it that wasn't the case." Nyota replied cautiously.

"No."

McCoy leaned forward, obviously frustrated. "Don't make us play twenty questions, Spock! What the hell happened?"

"I believe he was already emotionally compromised when he entered our quarters and saw the...preparations... I had undertaken. When he saw the tree...he began to cry."

"Oh. Poor Jim." Nyota covered her mouth with her hand as she started to tear up herself.

McCoy let out a heavy sigh. "I hate the holidays!" he grumbled.

Nyota slapped him on the arm and he straightened up, starting to back-peddle.

"I mean...listen Spock, you may not understand...it's a human thing but..."

"Please remember Doctor McCoy that my mother was human. We celebrated this holiday in my home for many years. Of all the Terran holidays, this was her favorite."

McCoy felt himself blush, and glanced at Nyota, who arched a brow at him. Sometimes he was such an idiot!

"Sorry Spock, I didn't mean..."

"This time of year makes some people really emotional Spock." Nyota smiled gently and laid a hand on the Vulcan's arm.

"I know you don't do emotional very well but...these holidays bring up a lot of memories for people. Some wonderful, and some, not so good."

"I am aware." Spock answered quietly.

"What you did for Jim was wonderful. I'm sure he loved it, but, he was probably a little overwhelmed. He'll be fine."

Spock nodded his understanding. "Unfortunately, that is not all that I have to discuss."

"I can already tell this isn't gonna be good." McCoy said.

""Jim's mother called."

"His mother?" McCoy asked the question, his eyes wide with shock.

"Affirmative."

"Holy shit...how'd he take it?"

Leonard had lived with and around Jim long enough to know that his relationship with his mother was tenuous at best. He also had enough of a psych background to know that about ninety percent of Jim's "issues" started with Wynona Kirk.

"I actually answered the call."

McCoy snorted in distaste. "You should have told that bitch to stick a candy cane up..."

"Len!"

"I did urge Jim to forgo speaking with her, but..." Spock shook his head.

"Don't feel bad Spock." McCoy took pity on him. "You know the kid never heeds good advice."

Nyota shook her head. "Has she even talked to him at all since..." she didn't want to reference her Captain's "death" so she let the end of the sentence hang in the air.

"Jim contacted her when he was released from the hospital, just prior to our bonding ceremony."

Spock's shoulders slumped in defeat as he sat, looking back and forth between his two friends. The worry that he was experiencing was clear in his eyes.

"I can go talk to him if you want." McCoy offered.

"Thank you." Spock said softly.

McCoy stood and lightly patted the Vulcan on the shoulder. "It's gonna be alright Spock. You didn't do anything wrong."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing. Talltree-san: Thanks for the reviews and for pointing out Winona's name. I'll go back and correct at some point.**

**This chapter has Jim getting some advice from his best friend. I love Jim and Bones, so I had to write it. Hope you enjoy. Don't worry, more fluff is coming**

**Still don't own Star Trek!**

**Chapter 6**

McCoy rounded the corner on the way to the officer's quarters, and saw Jim heading quickly in the other direction.

"Hey Jim!" he called.

The young captain faltered momentarily at the sound of a familiar voice, but rather than stopping to speak to his friend, he kept going. So quickly in fact that the CMO had to run to catch up with him.

"Jesus Kid, where's the fire?"

Still silent, Kirk kept walking until he reached the turbolift, smacking the button on the wall with his hand.

"Can we talk for a minute?" McCoy asked, trying again.

"I'm done talking Bones." The turbolift door opened and Jim stepped inside, McCoy at his heals.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Kirk asked. "Shouldn't you and Uhura be lounging under the mistletoe somewhere?"

"I could ask you the same question. What happened to relaxing?"

Jim shrugged as the turbolift opened right outside of the ship's gym.

Twenty minutes later he was dripping with sweat, having beat the crap out a punching bag.

McCoy shook his head and handed Kirk a water bottle.

"Hell of a way to start your shore leave." he commented.

"What do you want Bones?" Jim asked, finally catching his breath.

"Heard you got an unexpected comm call."

Jim's head snapped up in surprise, an angry look on his face, but still he said nothing.

"Dammit Jim, what are you doin' down here by yourself?"

"Dealing with my anger."

Kirk said the phrase as if he was reciting it out of text book, or perhaps repeating something that another doctor had used in his past. "Figured this was a better idea than punching a hole in the wall."

McCoy sighed, at a loss as to how to help his friend.

"What do you say we go grab a drink?" he finally offered.

"I'll buy." Kirk joked. "Consider it a Christmas present."

The pair ended up in McCoy's quarters, which obviously hadn't been lived in lately. The doctor rummaged around in a cabinet over his bed and pulled out an ornate looking bottle.

"My best Saurian brandy." he declared.

"Awesome." Jim held out his hand for the glass that McCoy filled to the halfway mark.

"Cheers." the friends clinked glasses in a salute to one another, and were silent for a moment.

"Are you nervous about your trip to Atlanta?" Jim asked.

"Maybe a little." McCoy shrugged. "Just hope my two girls will love each other as much as I think they will."

"It'll be great Bones, you'll see."

Jim smiled and took another sip of his drink. Suddenly he wondered what the hell he was doing here. Bones should be with Uhura and he should be with Spock. Once again, he'd managed to screw something up.

"If you would have told me a year ago I'd be where I am right now, I would've had you committed. Funny how things work out, isn't it?" McCoy watched his friend's face, and saw almost a haunted look in his blue eyes.

"Yeah." Kirk's answer was barely audible. All of the adrenaline he'd felt early was gone now.

"If you ask me, we're both pretty lucky." The older man swirled the liquid in his glass.

"Did he tell you he got me a Christmas tree?"

Jim spoke the sentence as if the two of them had been discussing Spock, and the events of the evening all along.

McCoy simply nodded, waiting for his friend to continue.

"It's decorated and everything. He had all these candles...and I ruined it."

"How's that?" Leonard asked.

"Because I couldn't even form a coherent sentence. I just stood there like an idiot. I didn't even say thank you."

"Score one for the Vulcan, rendering you speechless." McCoy chuckled at his joke, but Kirk continued unfazed.

"I mean, once you explain how you were the kid whose alcoholic step father never even acknowledged Christmas, it kinda puts a damper on the moment, you know?"

Kirk ran a hand over his face, and stared at the glass in his hand. "Then my mother called, which, was really perfect timing considering where the conversation was going."

"How much have you told Spock about you and your mom?"

Jim sat silently, his lips set in a stubborn line

"You've got to open up to him about it sometime Jim..."

"He knows enough about it." the young man mumbled.

"Define 'enough'. McCoy pressed.

"I can't talk to him about any of that." Kirk finally answered.

"You're_ married_ to him Jim. Take it from somebody who's been there. If you don't..."

"I don't want him to know!" Jim finally yelled.

McCoy was stunned into silence. Jim was private about his life before he'd entered Starfleet for sure, but with Spock? The two of them hardly ever left each other's side for God's sake. It didn't make any sense.

"I don't want him to know what a fuck up I am...or...was." Kirk looked down, obviously uncomfortable.

"How can you possibly keep it from him? Don't you two have some sort of telepathic bond?"

"There's a way to shield yourself. Parts of yourself."

"So, what...you're gonna spend the rest of your life _NOT_ telling Spock about your childhood?"

Kirk shrugged, realizing the idea sounded even more ridiculous when put into words, than it had in his head.

"I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this Jim, but...that's really very illogical." McCoy cringed at the phrase.

"I can't do it Bones."

"What is it your so afraid of?"

Jim shook his head, staying silent. He realized he was being ridiculous, but he could feel himself losing control of his emotions, and he didn't want to cry again.

McCoy stood up from his seat, knowing he was not going to make anymore progress tonight.

"You know Spock's probably the best thing that's ever happened to you." McCoy observed.

"Yeah."

"And if you ever tell him I said that I'll have to kill you." The doctor bent down and pointed a finger in the young officer's face.

Jim smiled, his first smile since McCoy had caught him racing toward the turbolift.

"Spock loves you Jim. Give him a chance to show it."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**A/N: The story continues, with Kirk finally beginning to open up to Spock. This is not turning out to be the bit of Christmas fluff that I first envisioned, but I guess my muse had other ideas.**

**Thank you so much for reading, and I'd really appreciate some reviews on this chapter. I'd like to know what you think of this part so far. There are more revelations to come before we get to the other side.**

**Hope you all are doing well, and enjoying whatever holiday you're celebrating this winter!**

The doors to McCoy's quarters opened, and captain and doctor walked out into the corridor. Coming down the hall at a determined pace, was Commander Spock.

'_Uh-oh',_ Jim thought. '_Time for the shit to hit the fan_.'

Spock stopped in front of the pair, wearing an expression somewhere between surprise and relief.

"Jim." He looked over his bondmate, as though he was checking for injuries.

"Hey Spock." Jim glanced at McCoy, but the CMO kept a neutral gaze straight ahead.

"I returned to our quarters and you were not there. I checked the gymnasium, as that is where you normally retreat to when you are upset."

"Yeah." Jim cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, nervously. "I was there for a bit. Just decided to have a talk with Bones for awhile."

Spock nodded to the doctor, who acknowledged the Vulcan silently.

Kirk looked back and forth between the two of them, feeling like a disobedient child caught by his parents. He was used to the two of them insulting each other. Civility between them threw him off balance.

"Do you require more time to yourself?" Spock asked getting the Captain's attention.

Kirk looked at him, not sure how to respond to Spock's concern.

He had expected a dressing down from the Vulcan, almost wanted it. Wasn't anybody going to tell him that he was being overly dramatic? Maybe that he was behaving like an ass?

"Uh...no...I'm, I'm good, I guess."

"That is not a clear answer Captain. Please elaborate."

There it was. That exasperated, irritated tone that was almost comforting.

"I'm good Spock." Kirk gave the Vulcan a small smile and without thinking, put a hand on his arm.

"Let's go so Bones can get some sleep before he leaves tomorrow."

"Have a good Christmas." McCoy told them, giving the pair something between a smirk and a smile.

"And please, for the love of God and the sake of my sanity...stay out of trouble. I'd like to see you both in one piece when I get back."

"Love you too Bones." Jim called over his shoulder as he and Spock walked back to their quarters.

The walk back, though short, was nerve racking for Jim. McCoy was right. Spock deserved to know why he'd had a near breakdown at the site of a three-foot tall fake tree, and why a call from his own mother sent him into panic mode.

Jim knew that he handled problems well. He thrived in high-stress situations, no doubt thanks to the dysfunctional past that he tried to keep buried. If someone was hurt, or in trouble, especially someone that he cared about, Jim would move heaven and earth to help them. What he didn't do, was handle his own stress. His own problems. Avoiding them and focusing on others was so much easier than dealing with himself.

This time though, there was no getting around it.

When they entered their quarters, Jim noticed the silence first. There was no music playing, as there had been earlier, and all of the candles had been extinguished. The chilled wine was nowhere to be seen, and the present that he'd laid on the bed was gone.

"I'm sorry." he said quietly, turning to glance at the Vulcan who stood behind him.

Spock tilted his head at his captain obviously confused.

"All the trouble you went to tonight...".

"I realize I may have made an error in not telling you what I had planned. You were not prepared."

"That's the whole point of a surprise though, isn't it? Not knowing about it?" Kirk glanced away for a moment and then looked back at the man he had married just a few months ago.

"I'm sorry I ruined everything."

Spock let out a sigh of his own this time.

"Jim, please refrain from blaming yourself. We have had very little time to ourselves of late, so you could not know that tonight would be any different. In addition, your mother's call, after so many weeks, was not expected. As humans sometimes say "our timing was off."

Jim did not answer, and instead, turned and glanced at the tree, which was decorated with gold and blue ornaments. He smiled, realizing the significance of the colors. Gold for him and blue for Spock. There was also a single silver ornament painted with the Starfleet insignia that they wore on their uniforms.

"You did a great job with the tree Spock. Did Nyota help you?"

"Negative." came the reply. "My mother decorated a tree for our home every year until I left for Starfleet. I was always her designated helper for that task."

Kirk looked back at him, obviously shocked. "You guys decorated for Christmas?"

"My mother _was human_ Jim." Spock did not try to hide the slight smirk in his expression.

"I know."

Jim's cheeks blushed with embarrassment. "I just...I guess I never thought about the fact that you would celebrate Terran holidays. Stupid, huh?"

"It is not _stupid,_ Jim. This is the first Christmas we have celebrated together. I have never told you that I was familiar with these customs. How could you know that to be the case if we have not discussed it?"

Jim gave the tall dark-haired man a sad smile and sat down on their bed, suddenly looking nervous.

"There are lots of things we haven't discussed Spock."

Jim glanced up at the Vulcan, his blue eyes wide and unsure, and Spock felt his heart clench. He wanted nothing more than to take away all of the pain that his T'hy'la was feeling. He knew that to be an impossible and illogical desire, but at the moment, he would have given anything to accomplish it.

Spock sat down next to Jim slowly, as though he was approaching a frightened animal.

"I want you to know Jim, that you may talk to me about anything that you wish to...at any time."

Kirk lowered his gaze to his hands clenched in his lap. He chewed on his lip in a manner that made him appear much younger than 27 years of age.

Spock continued in his efforts to put Jim at ease.

"Vulcans are taught to keep their own council in most situations, as you know. I am slowly learning the value of relying on others for support. I am sorry if I have not made you feel that I wish to support _you_ in any way that I can."

Jim blinked furiously, swallowing another lump in his throat. "I wish you wouldn't do that." he whispered.

"Do what?" Spock reached over and put a hand on Jim's knee, wishing to reassure him.

"Be so nice to me. Once you hear all of this, I'm afraid..." Jim shook his head and took a shaky breath.

"Ashayam...please speak to me." Spock spoke softly, wondering how Jim could ever think his feelings could change.

"You know about my dad. Everybody does. I was supposed to be part of his legacy. A son that would carry on where he left off."

"I would say you have gone beyond anything that your father could have wished for you." Spock answered.

"Not before Chris Pike came along. He got me in to Starfleet. I never would've made it in if he hadn't...swept some things under the rug."

Spock's brow furrowed in confusion. He had read Jim's file as a cadet, and he knew that Jim had something of a "troubled" past, having been jailed on rare occasion for some minor offenses.

"I had a record Spock. I was 'the only genius repeat-offender in the Midwest'. Jim smiled mirthlessly as he put air quotes around the phrase.

"I stole cars, got into more bar fights than I can remember. I got kicked out of high school at sixteen." Jim stared straight ahead as he spoke, as though he was ticking down the list in his mind.

"I beat the shit out of my step dad a couple of times. He gave as good as he got though."

Spock listened as Jim gave more examples of his offenses. Granted, he had not known that Jim had been in that much trouble when he was younger, but it was all in the past now. He especially did not understand why Jim thought this might affect their relationship.

"I know your step father was abusive..." Spock began.

"He's an monster. You have no idea..." Jim just shook his head. He couldn't go there yet.

"Why did your mother stay with him? I cannot imagine that someone would remain in such a situation when her children were being harmed. Surely she had resources..."

"She was never_ there _Spock!" Kirk's voice rose in anger so suddenly that Spock was startled. "_She was never fucking there_!"

"Was there no one that you could speak to, who would get in touch with her?"

"I would have paid for it. Believe me." Kirk suddenly stood up, unable to stay still.

"I guess I shouldn't have expected things to be any different once I got out on my own. I thought, maybe she'd see Frank for who he was, or at least, she could come visit me, now that I'm actually _somebody_. Some things never change though. It's stupid to keep hoping for it. She didn't even stay for half an hour after my captaincy ceremony."

Spock sat on the bed, his stomach knotting at the sound of hopelessness in Jim's voice.

He easily recalled the festivities that day. Everyone in the crew had been there, and Captain Pike, who was actually acquainted with Jim's mother, had been so proud to be the one to bestow the honor on Kirk.

Winona Kirk, however, had seemed very uncomfortable throughout the proceedings. She had congratulated her son, very briefly, spoken for a few moments with Captain Pike, and then she was gone. Spock had not inquired about it at the time, since he and Jim had not yet made their feelings know to each other.

"I do recall Dr McCoy having a few interesting words to say about her at the time." Spock observed.

"Bones is not her favorite person either." Jim smiled. "No love lost between them for sure."

Jim was silent now, not sure how to continue.

" I will admit it was surprising to me that she did not visit you more frequently when you were recuperating."

"You mean more than once?"

"Indeed." Spock rose an eyebrow

"A therapist told me once that seeing me caused my mom anxiety."

Spock's brows knitted together in confusion. "How so?"

"I know my parents really loved each other. At least, that's what everyone always said."

Kirk worried his bottom lip again, his hands behind his back as he stared out the window of their quarters, gazing unseeing at the stars.

"My mom didn't really talk about it but, I've heard that tape from the shuttle...the day I was born. It sounded like they were really devoted to one another."

Spock stood up and walked to where Jim was now standing. He wanted to comfort his mate, but didn't know how.

"I look a lot like my dad. I used to wonder why that didn't make her love me _more_...but, no matter what I did, she just stayed away" Kirk's voice broke on the last word, and Spock reached for him.

At the brush of Spock's fingers against his shoulder, Kirk turned and looked up at him. His lower lip quivered and his sky blue eyes were full of pain.

"Jim..." Spock stroked the younger man's cheek with the pad of his thumb, and Jim fell against the Vulcan, sobbing.

"I am so sorry." Spock told him. It took Jim several moments before he could compose himself enough to speak.

"When she called tonight, she actually thought I would come home for the holiday." Kirk pulled out of Spock's embrace slightly, and wiped furiously at his running nose.

"Is that something you wish to do Jim?" Spock looked at him earnestly, eager to do anything that would bring his bondmate some peace.

"No...No!" Jim turned away suddenly, his body rigid with anger. "She doesn't want me, she never has!"

"Jim, she is your mother. Quite obviously there are many issues..."

"What the hell do you know about it? Huh? You're mother was a great woman...I mean, I didn't exactly know her but...Nyota told me about her." Kirk's eyes were red and tearful. Spock could feel the anxiety coming from him in waves.

"She'd have to be a great woman, to live all those years on Vulcan...to have a son like you...not some delinquent who stumbled his way into Starfleet..."

Jim slumped against the wall behind him, overcome with emotion.

Spock stepped forward, gripping him by the shoulders to hold him up. The Vulcan could hardly stand seeing Jim like this. Where was the Jim who was so sure of himself? Who could face his greatest fears, and make his crew feel that they were capable of defeating impossible odds?

"Stop this Jim. You must stop this! Your mother's shortcomings are not yours. You are the brightest captain in all of starfleet. You do not believe in no-win scenarios..."

Spock had to bend down slightly to get Jim to look him in the eye. He repeated the last phrase in a hopeful tone, wanting Jim to hear the belief that Spock had in him, and make it his own again.

"Why didn't she want me, Spock? My family didn't want me...when I got into the Academy I _had_ to be better than everybody. I had to be smarter, and funnier, and I had to act like I didn't give a _shit_ what anybody thought...cause if they saw what I really was..."

Spock pulled him close again, and hugged him tightly.

He had always known that Jim's bravado was a facade. As he came to know his captain, he found that it masked a sweet, unselfish, wonderful man who was also one of the most intelligent beings he had ever known. A man who had sacrificed himself for his crew, for a city full of people he did not know. How could he not know how important he was?

"I just wanted somebody to notice me. I didn't want him to be right" Jim hiccuped into Spock's shoulder as he spoke.

"Who Jim?" Spock asked, his arms still wrapped around Kirk, almost holding him up.

"Frank." Jim took another breath to steady himself twisted his fingers in the fabric of Spock's shirt.

"He used to say that if I died nobody would even care. Nobody would even notice that I was gone."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: So Christmas has come and gone, at least in real life, and we're still going... It's taking Jim a little longer than expected to open up, but we're getting there. Thanks to everyone who is sticking with me to read this. Hope you're enjoying it.**

**Comments and reviews are VERY appreciated!**

Spock pulled back and looked at Jim in shock. Humans were indeed cruel creatures. Seeing the look in Jim's eyes stirred something in Spock. Something primal, protective.

"_I would notice_ Jim."

Kirk avoided the Vulcan's gaze, but Spock continued to speak, nonetheless.

"I have already experienced your...absence...once. I can assure you it is not something I wish to survive again."

Kirk smiled a bit sadly at that. "Thank you."

Jim released his hold on his husband and turned to walk slowly to their bed.

"I can also assure you that you of primary importance to the crew of the Enterprise. If you continue to doubt this, I shall be forced to remind you of it on a daily basis, if necessary."

Jim shook his head. "You amaze me Spock. You're the only person I know who can make boosting somebody's self confidence sound like a lecture."

Spock sighed in frustration. He had meant to be comforting in this instance.

"It's alright. I love you for trying to make me feel better."

Spock sat down next to Jim, still sensing that he was struggling to come out of this strange state that he found himself in.

"I cherish thee, James. Nothing can or will change that."

Kirk smiled again, taking a shaky breath. He had more to say, but didn't know if he had the strength tonight to do it.

"I have also come to a conclusion."

"Oh?" Jim looked up with mild interest. "What's that?"

"If your mother calls in the future. I will be the one to speak with her."

Jim raised an eyebrow, "Is that an order, Commander?"

"You are my mate, Jim. If interaction with your mother causes you this much unhappiness, I must do whatever necessary to protect you from it."

Jim gazed at Spock, loving the dark-haired man with all of his heart. It was still a scary prospect loving someone this much. People that he loved didn't usually stick around very long. He had tried to keep his distance from Spock, tried not to love him, but the feeling was something he could not deny.

He reached over and squeezed Spock's hand, and the Vulcan intertwined their fingers.

"I will not let them harm you Jim. I promise."

"It's not just them Spock." Jim looked away then, knowing that his hand would probably be shaking if not for the fact that Spock was holding it.

Spock waited, but Jim didn't continue. Spock sensed aprehension in his beloved Captain, and this...worried him.

"Who else has hurt you?" Spock asked in a quietly firm voice. "Tell me."

"Do you know the name Kodos?"

Jim still refused to look at Spock, his voice barely above a whisper. This was the secret that no one could know, but suddenly Jim felt that if he did not speak the words, the memories would begin to eat him alive.

Spock's forehead creased immediately with concern. He had excellent hearing, but surely, he had misunderstood Jim.

"Kodos?"

Jim nodded almost imperceptibly.

"I have read about him." Spock said. "He was the governer of T..."

"Tarsus IV."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N **

**Happy New Year! Hope everyone is enjoying the first few days of 2014**

**Let me start by saying I do not own Star Trek or any of these characters. This is simply for my own enjoyment, and hopefully, the enjoyment of anyone who is reading...**

**So this is a short chapter, but I really wanted to post something tonight. This is part of my take on Taursus IV. Hope I do it justice. Trying to convey Kirk's pain and Spock's near inability to process what Kirk has gone through. Please read and comment if you have time. There are references to violence and child abuse/neglect in this chapter.**

**More to come soon.**

Spock was silent for several seconds, trying to process Jim's question. It did not relate to anything they had been discussing. The illogical change of subject was quite disconcerting.

"I do not understand, Jim."

"I see him sometimes in my dreams." Jim voice was quivering as he spoke, his eyes wide with a mix of unnamed emotions.

"I remember..."

Spock was still struggling to comprehend the words he was hearing. How could Jim know anything of Kodos or Taursus IV? He had lived out his childhood on Earth, in a small town in Iowa, had he not?

"You remember?"

Finally Jim seemed to come back to himself for a moment, and he looked at Spock, really seeing him this time.

"My mother was posted there by the Federation for a few months. I had one too many run ins with Frank and somebody finally reported one of my trips to the hospital.

"Hospital?"

Spock realized he seemed to be doing nothing but repeating words that Jim had already spoken. He found himself unable to do anything else, as his brain rushed to process what he was hearing.

"He tried to come at Sam with a crow bar. Broke my arm instead. Guess my mom figured she'd better get us out of there before something really bad happened." Kirk laughed mirthlessly, knowing how tragically ironic the decision to move her children to Taursus IV would prove to be.

"My mom's aunt and uncle lived there. Had this little farm. Mom was supposed to stay for a couple of months with us but she couldn't hang. God forbid she actually spend more than seven days straight with her kids..."

"How old were you?" Spock asked. His own voice was a nearly a whisper now.

"Fourteen? Almost fifteen."

At Jim's response, Spock suddenly saw in his mind, a teenaged Jim Kirk. His hair was a lighter blonde and he was thin, wearing an old flannel shirt and dirty jeans. He had the same ice blue eyes that Spock now knew so well, and he had already developed the cocky facade that was his armour against the rest of the world.

The pair sat silently for several minutes, with Jim doing nothing but holding Spock's hand. Spock did not ask questions. He simply tried to send as much strength and support as he could to the man that he loved

Jim smiled faintly as he allowed himself to talk about this hidden time in his life.

"It was great at first. We went to school, we worked on the farm a little. I couldn't believe how nice it was to sit down at the dinner table and just talk. There was always food too. Mary was really a good cook. She said we were too skinny so she was always feeding us."

As Jim spoke, Spock suddenly became aware that Jim's stepfather had withheld food from the Kirk boys. Sometimes out of neglect, but most often as a punishment for some exagerated or imagined offense.

"That is your aunt's name?" Spock asked, trying to urge Jim to continue

"Huh?" Kirk was so deep in his own thoughts that he was seemed surprised to hear the Vulcan's voice. "Oh...yeah, Mary and Robert. They were really... really great."

Spock could see Jim blinking back tears and he squeezed the younger man's hand tightly.

"When the crops failed, they said it would be ok. The Federation would come, and... we'd be alright."

Kirk took a shaky breath, pressing on. "Everybody in the province we were in got word that we were going to be moved. They said it was so the governer's council could get an idea of how many people needed help."

"Did you leave the farm?" Spock asked.

Jim shook his head. "Robert knew something was wrong. Our rations were running out but he didn't want to go."

Jim squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was experiencing physical pain, and Spock reached up to touch his back lightly. The touch seemed to force the rest of the words out of him.

"These men came to the house, they told us we had to go, right then. They argued with Uncle Robert. I remember he turned and looked at me and Sam..."

Spock said nothing, simply rubbing circles in the middle of Jim's back as he sat hunched over on the bed.

"He told us to run. _'Run Jimmy_'...he said. And I did. I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could."

Jim buried his head his hands, a broken sob escaping his lips.

Spock's stomach twisted in knots. He knew the answer to his next question before he formed the words. He took a calming breath before he spoke.

"Did your brother escape with you?"

"No." Jim's voice was hoarse with emotion. "They shot him in the back. They killed them all right there, and I just...I just kept on running."

Spock closed his eyes against the wave of emotion that he felt. Self-loathing and guilt from Jim, and a deep despair within himself. He was just beginning to comprehend what Jim Kirk had survived.

"Jim, you were a frightened child..."

"_I was not a child!_ Not after everything I'd already been through. They took me in Spock! They took care of me, and loved..._loved me_." The younger man's voice broke and Spock felt hot tears behind his own eyes.

"I didn't try to help them..I just turned tail and ran. I left them there to _die_..."

"And how many others would have died if you had not escaped Jim? You surely would have been killed had you stayed there." Spock gripped Jim's shoulders tightly, forcing Kirk to look at him.

"My father is alive now because of you, as are all of the remaining members of the Vulcan high council. My mother's planet, and your's exists now because of what you have done! Please do not ask me to be sorry that you are here Jim. That is something I cannot do."

Spock held his mate's gaze, his dark eyes intense with the conviction of his words. Suddenly Jim grabbed him and held on.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: **_**Another installment of my story. Getting closer to the end. Thank you as always, for reading and reviewing.**

**A special shout out to Talltree-san for being a faithful reader and reviewer. Glad you are enjoying this!**

**By the way, I do not own Star Trek :)**

"_I love you_..."

Kirk's voice sounded broken and muffled against Spock's shoulder. The older man wrapped both arms around Jim and held him tightly.

"_Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. Kwon-sum." _

Spock whispered the Vulcan phrase into Jim's ear, rocking him gently.

"Don't leave me..._please don't me_. " The desperate plea caused Spock to still and pull Jim even closer to him.

"Never."

"Promise me. _You have to promise me Spock_..." Jim hiccuped, and took a shaky breath, as the emotions he had buried for so long came to the surface.

"I swear it Ashaya."

Spock moved until his forehead rested against his captain's, and he brought a hand up to stroke the blonde's damp, flushed cheek.

"Do you not understand how much_ I _need_ you_? _I need you _Jim."

Kirk brought a hand up to grip Spock's wrist, as if he was afraid the Vulcan would pull away from him. He leaned into the hand that continued to cup his cheek.

"I need the sound of your voice... I need to know that you are here, waiting for me at the beginning of every shift...at the end of each day. I need to feel you next to me as we sleep."

Jim finally looked up at him, and the Vulcan smiled faintly, tenderly.

"I need your love Jim. As much as I need oxygen, and water. I cannot function without it."

The couple gazed at each other for a long moment before Spock leaned closer, and captured Jim's full lips with his own. The blonde melted into the kiss, all the tension in his body ebbing away.

Some time later, approximately 46.23 minutes later by Spock's calculation, as he lay with Jim's sleeping body wrapped around him, the comm sounded.

The Vulcan attributed his feeling of irritation to the fact that he had not had an opportunity to meditate in the last 36 hours. Normally, he meditated while Jim slept, but this evening his place was next to his T'hy'la.

The device buzzed a second time, as Spock slipped silently from the beneath the covers and padded over to the table. Seeing the number on the screen, he willed himself to remain calm. He answered the call, but left the video screen off.

"Commander Spock here."

"Commander?" A hesitant female voice answered.

"Yes."

"This is Winona Kirk...Jim's mother."

"I am aware of you identity." Spock's tone would have made his grandmother proud. His voice was completely devoid of emotion. Icy.

"Is Jim..."

"He is resting. I will inform him that you have called." Spock reached to end the transmission.

"Please...please wait Spock."

Her use of his name surprised him. Spock hesitated, his finger hovering above a button.

"Is he alright? When we spoke earlier he got a little upset."

A _little_. A_ little_ upset. The human tendency to minimize situations, and use such general wording was tedious, almost nerve-wrecking.

"The Captain is adequate. I am sure he will appreciate your...concern."

Spock could not keep a small note of sarcasm from coloring his tone of voice in this response. Perhaps if Jim's mother had shown more concern in times past, his mate would not have been brought to tears this evening.

"I would appreciate it if you would let him know that I'm worried about him."

"Understood." Once again Spock reached to terminate the call.

"Look Spock..."

Spock's hand clenched into a fist, and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He wished fervently that this woman would cease speaking.

"I don't know how much Jim has told you about...um..."

"Your son is my bondmate Madam. I believe I can say with all certainty that I know Jim better than anyone."

There was a pause before the elder Kirk spoke again. Although a part of him did not wish to give her any information about his relationship with Jim, the greater part of Spock wanted to 'stake his claim' and protect Jim for all possible injury.

He supposed there was still something of his warrior ancestors left deep inside him.

"I'm sure that's true. I'm glad he has someone like you. God knows he deserves it."

Winona's tone was quiet. Since he could not see her facial expression, Spock was not sure what emotion he heard in her voice. He would have to take time to ponder this at a later date.

"Despite what you may think of me Mr Spock, I do love my son. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Perhaps too many."

Spock sat silently, considering his response. He did not know Winona Kirk, nor did he trust her, but he did believe that in her own, flawed way, she loved Jim.

"The New Year is approaching on Earth, is it not?"

"Yes...yes it is."

"Perhaps this would be a good time to make some changes. Instead of waiting for Jim to come back to a place that holds many unhappy memories for him, you could resolve to come to him. I believe he would be amenable to that."

There was a long period of silence, and Spock wondered if perhaps Jim's mother had ended the comm call. When she spoke, he almost started in surprise.

"Thank you, Mr Spock. I hope you and Jim...I hope you have a Merry Christmas." The older woman's voice quivered, but she did not cry.

"I wish you the same Ma'am."

Spock ended the call and took a deep breath. When he turned and rose from the chair he'd been sitting in, a pair of blue eyes gazed up at him from the bed.

_**Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. Kwon-sum = I cherish thee. Always.**_


End file.
